Faking Life Read online

  “Please,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. Her chest felt heavy, her breath weak and coming out in spurts. “Just hear me out.”

  John hesitated. Slowly, he removed the key from the lock and put his hands on his hips. Esther could tell the offer wasn't going to last long.

  “John, I am so sorry.” He didn't flinch. She was going to have to do better than that. “I did what I did because I thought it was for the best. I really thought you were better off not knowing what I did. I wanted you to see me for me, not with Nico. I wanted you to see how I really felt.”

  John's eyes were hollow, lifeless. “What did you do again? Cause I'm not really clear on the whole thing.” Esther didn't want to, but she knew he needed to hear her say it. Esther sucked in a breath and looked into his eyes.

  “I lied to you.” There was a beat of silence. “About Nico, about me. He's been playing you behind your back. He got you fired. He sent that bottle to the restaurant. He wanted your life to be harder, more dramatic. He thought your life would sell for more money. I wish it was all him, but I knew he was going to do it. Please forgive me, I didn't stop him. I wanted to see you succeed so badly but…” she stopped, the tears flowing freely, her stomach felt like it was being ripped apart. “I never wanted you to get hurt. Everything I did was because of how I felt for you. I guess in a way that's the only part I never lied about.”

  “And how do I know you're not lying to me now?” Her head dropped.

  “You don't.”

  “See, now that's what really hurts,” John said. He ran his hand through his hair and then over his face. “I felt like you were reading my mind so many times, I thought we had a connection. But the truth is, you already knew. Did you ever think maybe I would have liked to know you'd read my letter? That I might have liked to know how you felt? Even the day we met, you planned that, didn't you? And just when…forget it.”

  She nodded. The sentence went unfinished.

  “John I swear, I really thought what I was doing would help you. I thought if you knew I'd stick with you through everything, that I wasn't there for any other reason, you'd see how I felt. I wasn't doing anything for Nico that I didn't think was the best for you. I thought if you knew I worked for him, you'd assume I had other motives. And I knew, in my heart, from your words, that I needed to be a part of your life. In any way I possibly could.”

  The air blew through Esther's hair and sent a shiver through her body. The cold didn't seem to have any effect on John. He just stood there shaking his head as though ridding himself of a cobweb he'd inadvertently walked into. Then he moved away from the steps, closer to her. She wasn't sure whether to step back or move forward, and decided to stay right where she was. He stopped, barely a foot away, his breath coating her face, warming her.

  “Esther, did you ever think that maybe I could decide for myself?” She resignedly shook her head.

  “I didn't think that. I know I should have but I didn't.” She wept, her eyes stinging as the wind blew around them. “ John, I'm so sorry that I hurt you.”

  John stood silently. She watched his lips tighten, his resolve firming.

  “I don't need you or Nico,” he said, taking his time with the words. Esther could hear a hint of indecisiveness in his voice. “I can do this on my own. I believe in myself, more than I ever did before.”

  “No, you don't need me. Or Nico,” she said. “And you should believe in yourself. I know there are so many people who will see what I saw.” He nodded absently.

  “And if you want to do that, I'm not going to stop you. I'd rather see you succeed with someone else than not at all. But I need you to know that I've believed in you every step of the way. Even the stuff that must have been the hardest to tell, but was the bravest to say.” She paused. “Like Gloria. Like how you drank the wine at dinner. I wish you could have known what I was thinking. And I should have told you.” Esther heard John gulp down air. “You have every right to blame me for everything, even what happened to Paul, but I have faith in you, John. Nico won't have anything more to do with you, he gave me his word. If you'll still have me, I still want to represent you, to be with you.” John looked up, his face a stone slab.

  “Esther, Paul's in the hospital.” Esther gasped.

  “Why?” she said softly.

  “He tried to overdose. I don't think he really meant it, but he popped a dozen pills and went to a bar after he left us.”

  “Jesus, John…is he ok?” He nodded.

  “They had to pump his stomach. He knocked himself a good one when he passed out, but they say he'll be fine in a couple weeks.”

  “I'm so sorry.”

  “I know.” He paused before speaking again. “Why would you want to represent me? I haven't proven anything.” Esther slowly gently and leaned forward. She reached out and took his hand, shivering as he wrapped his fingers around hers.

  “But you're wrong,” she said. “And that's what makes you so special. You were just doing what you felt inside. You just let it come from in here. By doing that, you proved everything to me.” She took her free hand and gently placed it on his chest. He looked down and let it stay.

  She could feel his breath on her lips, staining her mouth with a sweetness she couldn't bear to feel so far away. He was looking straight into her eyes. Her teeth chattered as John squeezed harder. She laughed softly and looked at her bluish hands. He smiled and shrugged.

  He sniffed and said, “When I met you, I really thought I found someone to hold onto.”

  Esther's voice trembled, but she forced the words out. “You did.” She shivered again, laughed meekly. “I'm cold.”

  “Don't be,” John replied, wrapping his arms around her body. She stopped shivering and looked into his eyes. They said yes. Esther leaned in to kiss him, his arms trembling as they tightened around her waist.

  Their lips were a millimeter away…

  “John, Esther, please turn around.”

  Esther's blood froze. She knew that voice. Her breath caught in her chest. But it couldn't be…why would he…

  John pulled away and turned around. Following his gaze, Esther felt her legs weaken.

  Nico was standing on the other side of the street, a dark pistol in his hand. Determinedly he walked forward, raising the muzzle until it pointed at John's chest. Esther saw Nico's thumb flick a button on the back of the gun and heard a click. She was about to scream when she felt John's arms pulling her shoulders, dragging her to the ground.

  They hit the pavement hard. Esther felt a sharp pain as her knee slammed into the sidewalk. As a scream escaped her lips, John covered her body. The ambient street noise seemed to disappear, the sound sucked away in a vacuum.

  “John, please stand up,” Nico said. His voice was close. When did he get a gun? She looked up and saw the desperation in his eyes. From the beginning there was no turning back. Suddenly, she knew why he was there.

  Esther could feel the blood straining against her veins. She watched John's eyes dart around, looking for an escape. For a moment, her surprise overcame her fear. She watched as Nico held the pistol at a strange angle, almost 45 degrees. Clearly he was uncomfortable holding it. When did he get a gun? Nico had finally lost everything, and was trying to take it back from them.

  “John, please come out.” Nico's voice was shrill, pleading.

  Esther felt John pushing away from her, his hands leaving her shoulders. He was standing up.

  “John, stay down. Don't go.” He kept moving. She grabbed his pant leg and yanked hard. She whispered, “John, don't.”

  He looked down at her, his eyes alive but unafraid. All at once Esther felt his confidence radiate, and it scared her.

  “Shhhh,” he said, stroking her hair. When she tried to grasp his hand, he was gone.

  “Nico, stop it!” she heard herself shriek, her voice unnatural, unrecognizable. Esther propped herself up, resting on her pain-stricken knee and into a crouching position. She peered out from behind the driver's side mirror.

/>   Nico had stopped a few feet from the car. John was moving around the trunk end, walking towards the middle of the street, bathed by the ghostly moonlight. Nico's gun traced every step, Esther's body trembling as she looked into eyes.

  “Nico,” John said. “It's nice to finally meet you.” Nico smiled at the sarcasm in John's voice.

  “You know why I'm here. Please, don't make it harder. Don't hold back because of her.”

  “Fuck you, Nico,” Esther said.

  John kept walking. The automobile no longer provided any cover. “So you're the one who's promising fame and fortune beyond my wildest dreams.”

  “Not beyond your wildest dreams. Beyond mine.” Nico flicked the gun like a parent summoning a child. “What I need now is your manuscript. The full one, and don't tell me what I have at the office is all of it because I know that's not true.”

  John sighed, as if he was bored. “And what if I say no? Esther has already agreed to represent me. So thanks for the help, but I'm taken.” He's trying to be so brave, Esther thought. But she sensed fear in John's voice. She knew Nico would recognize the emotion in a flash.

  “Esther is no longer under my employment.” Nico glanced at her for a brief moment before returning to John. “I had no choice.”

  “Nico, put the gun away,” she pleaded.

  “Esther I didn't think you'd be here for this. I didn't want you to be involved.” Nico's arm rotated away from John, and Esther saw the black hole lining up with her head. She screamed, expecting an explosion before her world ended.

  Make it stop, please, make him go away. I promise everything will be alright. Just let me and John be safe. I'm so close…

  “Stop!” John yelled. Before Esther knew what happened, John was standing between her and Nico. She saw the sheen of sweat on his forehead, his breath misting the air, hands trembling.

  “Nico, the manuscript is destroyed. If you do anything to her you get nothing. Put the gun down. You don't want to do this.”

  “That's not true, you have the book upstairs. I know you do. You have to.”

  “I had it upstairs, on my computer. But it's trashed now. My roommate got drunk and threw it against a wall, I swear to God. The computer's up there in pieces. I'll bring you. You can see for yourself.” Nico paused. Esther shivered on every word, wondering how far John could go before Nico caught him. Every second felt like an eternity. Somebody must have seen him and called the police. Somebody must have seen the gun.

  “I'm not going anywhere until you bring it to me. The whole thing.”

  “You have the whole thing at your office,” John said unconvincingly.

  Nico spat, “That's bullshit. There are chapters missing. I need the rest. And one way or another I'm going to get it. So please, just give it to me. Otherwise I'm going to have to…” The gun was less than five feet away from John. Nico couldn't miss if he fired. Esther's heart rammed against her chest. She could feel cold sweat dripping down her back. She thought of yelling for help. Would Nico get scared and fire? She could see the tendons in his forearms. What if he slipped…

  Please, just make him go away…

  “You don't need the chapters,” John said. “It doesn't even matter if I write it as long as what you have what you want. You could write it yourself. You don't even need me, do you?”

  The gun tilted downward as Nico's grip relaxed. John used the moment to take a step forward. Esther's heart leapt.

  “John, get away from him!”

  “I don't need you, theoretically,” Nico said, raising the gun again. Esther could see the lifeless stare in his eyes. “But it will only take more time if I have to doctor it myself. You might as well save the energy and give to me. I promise I'll take good care of it. You know I mean it, too.”

  “Why?” John said. His weight was shifted forward. His knees bent. He was ready to move forward. Or pounce.

  Nico could shoot at any second, Esther thought. That was the safety he'd clicked off. Even if he didn't mean to, he could fire…

  Esther wiped the sweat from her eyes and craned her head out. John's body was rigid, his muscles tensed, while Nico's seemed rubbery, ready to collapse at any moment. John said, “You don't need me. If I'm so incidental, why put yourself at risk?”

  Nico's brow furrowed. He cocked his head to one side, then up at the sky. Esther thought she heard a sniffle, a clearing of his throat. Then his glare dropped back down to John's level. His voice perked up. Esther didn't have time to react.

  “You know what? I think you're right. I don't need you.”

  Esther saw the muzzle flash bright white before she heard a sound, then suddenly the glass door behind her exploded, thunder rocking the street like a terrible earthquake. She felt shards of glass spray against her jacket. She was sure she'd screamed but couldn't tell, a high-pitched ringing was all she could hear. When the ringing stopped she was still screaming. Forcing her throat to contract, she slowly peered out and saw John standing before Nico, eyeing the sleeve of his jacket. He pulled at the fabric, his finger poking through a small tear. He stuck his finger inside. Esther's gasped. She saw him pull his finger out, a smudge of red on the tip. Oh my God…

  “Holy fuck,” John said, taking a step back. “Nico…Jesus Christ.”

  Nico stumbled backward, his jaw flapping open. “It barely grazed you, I didn't…”

  “It stings,” John said absently, looking at his finger again as if he couldn't believe what he saw.

  “Dammit Nico, stop! You hurt him!” Esther cried. She leapt out from behind the car. She saw Nico raise the gun again, smoke trailing from the barrel like a lit cigar.

  “Esther get back,” John yelled. She shook her head defiantly. “Is this what you want?” He cried out to Nico. Esther covered her ears. “You don't need us anymore? We're expendable? Listen Nico, that's bullshit. If you didn't have people like me, if you didn't have us, you'd be nothing.” Nico flinched and the gun dropped to his side. He shook his head. The gleam from the lamppost shimmered off the tears on Nico's cheek.

  This is it, Esther thought. He's going to kill us both right here. Silently, tears streaming down her cheeks, she began to pray.

  “You don't know me,” Nico whispered. “You don't know what I've done, how many people I've made. People just like you. I've given blood and sweat and love like you've never dreamed.” His voice grew louder as he spoke, the anger rising up from within him like a violent undertow. “I've built so many people like you it makes me sick. You all cry about your sad, pathetic lives, wishing for something better. And then I offer it to you and you appreciate nothing. I offer you fame and a dream, a chance to live amongst the greats. I offer you a chance to be worshipped.

  “I offered that to you, John Gillis. I offered that to you and you threw it in my face. I can make or break a hundred people like you every day with a flick of my pen. I pulled you out of the fucking sewer and offered you a dream and you shit on it. So I say fuck you John Gillis, because you're nothing without me.”

  John walked forward. Nico raised the gun. Esther choked, the tears flooding her mouth. Somebody must have heard the shot. Please tell me the police are on their way. Please don't let him shoot again…

  To her shock, John kept walking towards Nico until the muzzle of the gun was pressed firmly against his chest.

  “John please,” Esther said. “John, get away from him. If he…”

  “If he what?” John answered, his voice chopping the air like an ax against firm wood. “If he shoots me? It doesn't matter. Because he…” John pressed his nose flush against Nico's, then took it away. He smirked and let out an abrupt laugh. “He's already dead. Look at him. Nico Vanetti. You make or break a hundred lives a day. But at the end of that day, when you run out of ink writing that make or break signature, you're the one who's nothing. All you do is take what other people give you. And if the day came where nobody gave you anything to work with? You'd be nothing. All the sweet talk in the world won't change that. Cause at the end of the day, Nico
, your life depends on people like me.” John accentuated it by thumping his fist against his chest. The gun shuddered in Nico's hand.

  Nico stepped back, a tight scowl on his lips. He turned his body away from John, and then in a swift moment, he swung his hand and whipped the pistol across John's face.

  The blow knocked John off his feet. He managed to cushion the fall with his hands, yelping as his cast his the pavement. Slowly, he propped himself up. An angry red wound ran from his eye to the tip of his nose. Blood began to leak out. Bracing his good hand against the pavement, John winced as he touched his head.

  Nico was breathing hard, the anger on his face mixed with shock. He lifted the gun and looked at it as though he'd never seen it before. His hands were shaking, the gun trembling like a plucked string. He looked back at John, tears streaming down his face. He waved the gun as he spoke.

  “You don't know me and you don't know who I am. I worked for years because I believed in people like you. Now I look back and I see that your story is the same as everyone else's. You're as ungrateful as my wife. So I say good riddance to her and good riddance to you because I'm through with both of you.”

  Suddenly Nico pointed the gun at John's head. He froze, and Esther saw Nico's eyes tighten. She couldn't see the glare from the lamppost any more, only black pinpricks where Nico's eyes had been. In a split second he would squeeze the trigger. John was too close to get out of the way. He didn't move a muscle.

  “Nico please,” she said, stepping out from behind the car. In the distance she heard sirens, the street bathed in intermittent blue and red lights. Just stall him, she thought.

  Nico swiveled to face her, but the gun remained trained on John.

  “Esther, after all these years, I never thought you would turn on me. I gave you a chance and you blew it because you had to get too involved. From the beginning I told you to detach yourself. I told you what needed to be done, but you wanted to take a different route. You had to care.” The gun quivered again. For a split second, Esther felt pity for Nico. “I would have taught you so much,” Nico said, his voice cracking. “I wanted someone to pass down my legacy to.”